WOW! Mary, this is spot on. Thank you for articulating so many of the reasons I left my home church, Lakepointe, after 42 years. I hope and pray that he “gets this” and lowers his knee to the Lord.
I would love to hear from leaders who recognize themselves in the descriptor “Harmful Pastor”.
I’ve known many (too, too many) harmful pastors, and literally none of them believed they were in any way responsible for the harm they’d done. Some paid lip service when their empire crumbled or their sin was exposed, but the repentance never went beyond a version of “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry I got caught”.
As I look at your list, I wonder how any one person could do all of it, even though I absolutely see how every item is important and addresses head-on the very real abuse happening in many church environments.
Sometimes I wonder if we expect the minister to do too much of the work of the church. It is an extraordinarily public role, and ministers are often given instant respect, attention, and spiritual authority. It shouldn’t surprise us that such a role sometimes attracts narcissists and even predators. What is scarier is that very few narcissists or predators recognize themselves as such. In their own minds, they may genuinely believe they are doing good even while causing harm.
After leaving three abusive church situations, I can’t help but wonder if the problem goes beyond individual bad pastors. Perhaps some of our church infrastructure itself supports abuse by concentrating too much authority, responsibility, and attention in one person.
The Quakers may be onto something. They don’t have official pastors. In the meantime I am on the search for healthier environments. Thanks for the thought and work that went into this. It is helpful for all Christians to wrestle with.
It's healthy to have a reality check. I have realized that I need to model what is good, noble, etc. online too. Though speaking up or highlighting issues is valuable.
In other words make space for and encourage cooperation, insight, understanding. It could include connecting people with resources.
Learn what spiritual maturity is. Learn how to listen to understand. Love means fully knowing and being fully known. Not intellectual knowledge. How many people do you really know apart from their performance and what you want in that performance to change? How many people REALLY know you? Or have you been too afraid to reveal this?
When given the opportunity, teach more about God's love. Remind people how much they are dearly and deeply loved. They need this. NOT just to tell them to they owe it to God to DO more, but just for the sake of understanding that they already rest in His Love. THIS will do more for them then all the shaming, guilty led lessons you constantly try to press upon them. Children and Spouses don't need constant reminders of how much they owe their parents or significant others. But remembering how much they are loved, does amazing things. Why should it be different with God (who is invisible)?
This is great! I would love to read a post directed to church leaders (pastors, elders) in general. What would you say to the everyday pastor who wants to serve faithfully and is a little worried about stepping wrong and being used as a public example of what not to do?
WOW! Mary, this is spot on. Thank you for articulating so many of the reasons I left my home church, Lakepointe, after 42 years. I hope and pray that he “gets this” and lowers his knee to the Lord.
That's my hope too, but I'm not holding my breath. (Though I am praying for renewal, repentance and restoration).
I would love to hear from leaders who recognize themselves in the descriptor “Harmful Pastor”.
I’ve known many (too, too many) harmful pastors, and literally none of them believed they were in any way responsible for the harm they’d done. Some paid lip service when their empire crumbled or their sin was exposed, but the repentance never went beyond a version of “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry I got caught”.
As I look at your list, I wonder how any one person could do all of it, even though I absolutely see how every item is important and addresses head-on the very real abuse happening in many church environments.
Sometimes I wonder if we expect the minister to do too much of the work of the church. It is an extraordinarily public role, and ministers are often given instant respect, attention, and spiritual authority. It shouldn’t surprise us that such a role sometimes attracts narcissists and even predators. What is scarier is that very few narcissists or predators recognize themselves as such. In their own minds, they may genuinely believe they are doing good even while causing harm.
After leaving three abusive church situations, I can’t help but wonder if the problem goes beyond individual bad pastors. Perhaps some of our church infrastructure itself supports abuse by concentrating too much authority, responsibility, and attention in one person.
The Quakers may be onto something. They don’t have official pastors. In the meantime I am on the search for healthier environments. Thanks for the thought and work that went into this. It is helpful for all Christians to wrestle with.
Yes, I agree about the infrastructure. This website talks about that very issue: https://likesoverlives.com/
It's healthy to have a reality check. I have realized that I need to model what is good, noble, etc. online too. Though speaking up or highlighting issues is valuable.
In other words make space for and encourage cooperation, insight, understanding. It could include connecting people with resources.
Outstanding. I'm sure we all know a few pastors we'd like to send this to. And thank God for the ones who don't fit the description.
Yes, thanking God for all the amazing ministry workers is important. And thanking them!
Learn what spiritual maturity is. Learn how to listen to understand. Love means fully knowing and being fully known. Not intellectual knowledge. How many people do you really know apart from their performance and what you want in that performance to change? How many people REALLY know you? Or have you been too afraid to reveal this?
When given the opportunity, teach more about God's love. Remind people how much they are dearly and deeply loved. They need this. NOT just to tell them to they owe it to God to DO more, but just for the sake of understanding that they already rest in His Love. THIS will do more for them then all the shaming, guilty led lessons you constantly try to press upon them. Children and Spouses don't need constant reminders of how much they owe their parents or significant others. But remembering how much they are loved, does amazing things. Why should it be different with God (who is invisible)?
I love everything about this. We must live loved.
I take every opportunity to bring this up ;-)
This is great! I would love to read a post directed to church leaders (pastors, elders) in general. What would you say to the everyday pastor who wants to serve faithfully and is a little worried about stepping wrong and being used as a public example of what not to do?
That's a really good point. I'll have to think about what I would say in that situation.