If I Were a Predatory Leader . . .

What Kind of Systems Would I Create?

Let’s say I want to build my own churchy empire, where I am compensated extremely well, have no friction interfering with my goals, and can get away with anything I want (including sin and predatory behavior), where people are expendable, yet somehow more people keep flooding to services (so they can tithe toward my kingdom). First of all, I would need to be a man with ambitions of empire to create these systems. But if I were to fashion a place where celebrity and pride could thrive, what would I have to put in place to ensure all those lofty goals? Here are ten ideas.

One. Create a Pretend Elder Board.

In order to do whatever you want, you must have the semblance of a ruling board without giving them any power. Church members will want to know you have an accountability structure in place, but you can simply pad the board with yes people (friends), or you can curate a board from around the nation with all your other church-leading buddies who have no ties to your community. This way no one can ever question you, but you still appear to be accountable. These pretend elder boards can then elect to give you greater and greater salaries without any checks and balances in place. And they can make it their primary aim not to protect and lead the flock, but to protect your reputation solely.

Two. Foster a Culture of Hype-y Hyperbole.

People are much less likely to question a leader when the church is DYNAMIC, GROWING, and IMPORTANT. “We have the biggest food pantry in the area,” one pastor might intone. “More people are meeting Christ than in our previous seven years combined!” another may opine. Everything your church does is the best. Ministries existing in the shadows that don’t bring in publicity are quietly dismissed, but ministries that are newsworthy (and flashy) are maintained for the sake of good PR. Worship is magnanimous, loud, and emotional. Ministries are bold, effective, and changing lives EVERY SINGLE DAY ™.

Three. Cultivate an Us Vs. Them Mindset.

Everyone else is doing things wrong. But you are doing everything right, you Winner! In sermons, it’s important that you fashion strawmen examples, easily dismantling them as fools, then making yourself the hero of every illustration. This feeds into your church’s sense of pride. Our pastor is godly! Everywhere else is godless! The loser culture outside our doors wants to take us down, but that’s okay because we are being led by a hero! We are winning!

Four. Use NDAs But Don’t Call Them That.

Careful not to make this too public. And if people question whether HR uses nondisclosure agreements, be sure to redefine the term. These are simply “confidentiality agreements” or “employee agreements” or “mediation clauses” meant to protect the intellectual property of the church. No matter what you call your NDAs, use them every time you “let go” an employee who questions your leadership. Tie it to their livelihood. Wave it in front of them like you’re doing them a generous favor. “Sign this, then you’ll get severance,” is a catchy declarative.

Five. Over-bless Insiders.

And make sure those insiders have cash money. Take them on elaborate “look at my big gun!” hunting trips, or secret them away to exotic locales, or make it easier on yourself and just sell plain ol’ daily access. If people are big donors, let them hang with you. (But be sure you let your personal assistants know that you have no possible time in your calendar to meet with the little people with their pesky problems and spiritual questions.)

Six. Honor up, Silence Down.

You’ve heard the pastor with his never-a-different-outfit-on-a-Sunday wardrobe espouse, “Honor up, down, and all around.” But maybe tweak the sentiment in practice. Instead make sure everyone knows that they must honor you and all the upper key leaders. In staff meetings, tell the lower-level employees that they cannot ever bring a complaint during a meeting (or even ever) or their questioning would be seen as dishonoring. Make sure they know that their silence is golden (and required) and honor is their mandate.

Seven. Employ henchmen.

Which leads to the next important hire. Get yourself some scary henchmen (and women) whose job it is to monitor the staff, see who are asking pesky questions and not following the honor-up code. These henchpeople need to be tech savvy enough to surveil video of every staff office and Sunday School room as well as monitor staff and members on what they thumbs-up or comment on in social media spaces. And when they slip up? The henchpeople should employ shame rhetoric. “I thought you were a team player.” “Be careful how you appear to outsiders.” “Liking that naysayer’s post is your last strike. Come sign this NDA.”

To curate a pristine video feed for the masses, be sure those people in that section of visible-to-the-boom-camera display an acceptable aesthetic, and if undesirables try to sit in the section reserved for the beautiful people (messing up your perfect money shot), have security accompany your henchpeople to escort the riff raff to the back row. You must control your image at all costs.

Eight. Procure a PR Machine.

Which leads nicely into your next objective. In addition to monitoring possible dissent internally, hire a few folks whose job is to manage your church’s reputation everywhere on the interwebs. When a critical piece hits, employ your PR people to rip into the content creator, or better yet, hire scrubbers to cull all negative reviews everywhere. If social media negatively covers your latest blunder (who cares if you were crass in your last sermon?), make them out to be a demonic hoard, hell bent on destroying the work of God.

Nine. Demonize all Dissenters.

Which fits hand-in-glove with an overall philosophy of undermining anyone and everyone who has something negative to say about you or your church. First off, lie to your insiders about the people who bring up critical issues. Say they’re crazy or woke or haters of God. They’re the kind who want to tear down the work of God with their own hands. They’re guilty of gossip and slander. If these people who go public are women, Jezebel is the only accurate descriptor to use.

Ten. Lull the Masses.

You may have some odd ideas. Or maybe some overt political opinions. Or your theology is a bit unhinged (or nonexistent). But you cannot present with those out-there ideas at the onset or people may get wise. Whatever you do, do not shock your people—yet. Tell a few jokes. Get them to like you. Pretend to be authentic. Boast about your ability to research the Bible. Be sure to get the congregation to depend on you for all their spiritual nourishment because YOU ARE THE EXPERT who is willing to SAY THE HARD THINGS. Each week, introduce a strange little idea here and there until BAM, there it is, your unhinged idea is now out there. And everyone applauds! As long as you continue to present yourself as the disseminator of all things biblical, and you appeal to the pride of your people (This is the only bold church out there!), you can get away with all sorts of verbal shenanigans.

I typically don’t write satire, and I hope you caught that this piece is intentionally bent that way. Sometimes you have to have humor when you’re spending so much time being sad about the state of celebrity-helmed churches. Sometimes it feels like I’m hollering into the void, discouraged that so few see the kinds of systems (not churches) we’ve erected. I honestly wonder if there are some corporate-leaning churches that should remove the word “church” from their signage because I’m seeing less and less Jesus in these places and more and more arrogance and conceit and money grabbing. These “churches” may look shiny and successful on the outside, but they’re decaying from the inside out. And the rot flows from faulty leadership.

It reminds me of Jesus’s honest words to the Pharisees: “What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity. Outwardly you look like righteous people, but inwardly your hearts are filled with hypocrisy and lawlessness” (Matthew 23:27-28). I sincerely pray the Lord will expose those who lead his church with hypocritical lawlessness.