When is Keeping the Peace Hurting Others?
I’m an over-apologizer.
And I hate-hate-hate conflict.
It just seems easier to apologize, even if I don’t think I did anything wrong. Just to keep the peace. Can you relate?
But my friend Candis and I have been talking about this. And we’re collectively wondering when is a quick apology to keep the peace enabling the other person? What if they are offended not because we did something egregious, but because they are triggered by something unrelated to us? Or what if they are a weaker brother/sister who is easily offended? Do we take on their offense and apologize? And is that doing them any good?
I do know that we are called to be truthful. So apologizing when we don’t mean it (or doing so to keep the peace) does seem dishonest to me.
So what is the solution? What can we do when someone accuses us of something we didn’t do or didn’t intend to hurt them?
Ephesians 4:14-16 is instructive:
Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.
Here’s what I glean:
Maturity means we won’t be tricked by someone telling us we’ve sinned if we truly do not believe we’ve done so. (Of course, this is laced with a huge dose of humility and a willingness ALWAYS to ask the question if the person may be right in their assessment, followed by asking God to search our heart for harmful ways.)
Love involves telling the truth. I can say, “I see how [my action, my words] may have hurt you.” But that doesn’t mean we have to apologize if we truly don’t think we have something to apologize for.
When we speak the truth with love, it reveals we are growing in Christ.
Being honest and kind helps the body of Christ grow healthy.
Love is always the aim. (And honestly, that also means loving yourself. I have over apologized in the past to the extent that I denigrated myself, groveling where I didn’t need to. Not only did that empower a bully, but it broke me.
I don’t have all the nuanced answers to this conundrum. I do know I need to grow in this area and stop running toward apology without first asking Jesus whether I should. My desire for harmony is very, very strong.
Growth for me looks like not immediately reacting with an apology, going to the Lord and a trusted friend to process whether I should apologize, then seeking Jesus as to how I should verbally react, of course with love as the aim.
I’d love to hear how you’ve approached this issue.
This is so relatable.
I’ve been the over-apologizer too… just trying to keep the peace, even at my own expense. What you said about speaking the truth with love instead of defaulting to apology—that feels like real growth.
I’m learning that acknowledging someone’s feelings doesn’t always mean I’ve done something wrong. Sometimes love is honesty, not just harmony.
What I have seen in our modern cultures is a huge over correction of conflict avoiders. People who will do anything to not let drama overshadow things. So they will apologize for anything, they will appease the group, they will overlook small slights. They let things go and hope that it doesn't get worse. Just go along to get along. They don't notice much how much all the little things keep adding up along the way until one day the wonder how the 'line' ended up way back there and we are here now.
I understand most don't know how to do conflict. And they shouldn't. Only certain people are equipped for the real conflict. But everyone should learn how to be assertive. To speak clearly of what they want, what they need, what is ok and not ok. To know their limits, their boundaries, and to communicate them. WITHOUT apology.
And if anyone jumps in to bully a person that does this, ALL of us need to stand up in unison against such a person. Why this is not our culture is often confusing to a person like me. I have been that person most of my life. I have taken a beating literally and figuratively for it. My promotion up through the military was very slow but unyielding because I would not play by the rules and I would call out the things that were not right. I did NOT keep the peace lol. Towards the end of my career, I had senior officers relieved of command. I brought complaints to the Inspector General of the Dept of Defense and had a high-ranking person brought to justice.
In the same way, the church didn't always embrace me because I didn't just go along to get along. If I saw something that wasn't right, I spoke about it. Yet I still grew and even helped lead the church for a spell. But amongst those with influence, I was not necessarily 'popular'. So that came to close and I decided it was time to leave.
People from there still hold me in high regard because of this. Because I was always willing to fight the fights that needed to be fought. It has taken a serious toll on me, I won't lie to any of you. My body is very broken. My faith has been destroyed multiple times and He needed to restore it. Yet each time He did, it has been made newer and even stronger than before. I Love even deeper than I could ever have thought possible.
Keep the peace? Sure, but at what cost, REALLY? Think about what peace are you really keeping. What are you giving up by letting things go instead of addressing the things that need to be addressed, dealt with, faced? Weeds grow and expand until they take over the whole garden. Destroy the whole harvest. If you think I am talking about the whole church, then yeah, a bit, but I am also talking about yourself.
My wife can speak to this. She watched all this from the sidelines. She is the peacekeeper, the conflict avoider, the over apologizer. Or was. Not anymore. She is so strong now, a new person that sees God in ways that she never did before. Has to constantly remember grace over the regrets for being that person at one time. I don't know what else to tell you folks. That's our story and I hope it can be yours