I’ve been the over-apologizer too… just trying to keep the peace, even at my own expense. What you said about speaking the truth with love instead of defaulting to apology—that feels like real growth.
I’m learning that acknowledging someone’s feelings doesn’t always mean I’ve done something wrong. Sometimes love is honesty, not just harmony.
What I have seen in our modern cultures is a huge over correction of conflict avoiders. People who will do anything to not let drama overshadow things. So they will apologize for anything, they will appease the group, they will overlook small slights. They let things go and hope that it doesn't get worse. Just go along to get along. They don't notice much how much all the little things keep adding up along the way until one day the wonder how the 'line' ended up way back there and we are here now.
I understand most don't know how to do conflict. And they shouldn't. Only certain people are equipped for the real conflict. But everyone should learn how to be assertive. To speak clearly of what they want, what they need, what is ok and not ok. To know their limits, their boundaries, and to communicate them. WITHOUT apology.
And if anyone jumps in to bully a person that does this, ALL of us need to stand up in unison against such a person. Why this is not our culture is often confusing to a person like me. I have been that person most of my life. I have taken a beating literally and figuratively for it. My promotion up through the military was very slow but unyielding because I would not play by the rules and I would call out the things that were not right. I did NOT keep the peace lol. Towards the end of my career, I had senior officers relieved of command. I brought complaints to the Inspector General of the Dept of Defense and had a high-ranking person brought to justice.
In the same way, the church didn't always embrace me because I didn't just go along to get along. If I saw something that wasn't right, I spoke about it. Yet I still grew and even helped lead the church for a spell. But amongst those with influence, I was not necessarily 'popular'. So that came to close and I decided it was time to leave.
People from there still hold me in high regard because of this. Because I was always willing to fight the fights that needed to be fought. It has taken a serious toll on me, I won't lie to any of you. My body is very broken. My faith has been destroyed multiple times and He needed to restore it. Yet each time He did, it has been made newer and even stronger than before. I Love even deeper than I could ever have thought possible.
Keep the peace? Sure, but at what cost, REALLY? Think about what peace are you really keeping. What are you giving up by letting things go instead of addressing the things that need to be addressed, dealt with, faced? Weeds grow and expand until they take over the whole garden. Destroy the whole harvest. If you think I am talking about the whole church, then yeah, a bit, but I am also talking about yourself.
My wife can speak to this. She watched all this from the sidelines. She is the peacekeeper, the conflict avoider, the over apologizer. Or was. Not anymore. She is so strong now, a new person that sees God in ways that she never did before. Has to constantly remember grace over the regrets for being that person at one time. I don't know what else to tell you folks. That's our story and I hope it can be yours
I'm sorry for my rant. I have drunk too much... coffee. And read too many things here.
Sounds like many "churches" near me, lol. Minnesota nice at its finest, doncha know? Ruffle the feathers of the church ladies and suddenly nobody knows how they're supposed to serve the processed sugary lemonade to little kids anymore. Nom nom nom. That would require some thought — hard to do through the smoke and music. Can't wait to smell whatever the youth group is... enjoying... in the parking lot. But the seats must be filled, right? This hour a week is important for salvation. What's a few million for a building — just a deal with business associates. And if you're not part of their little "fun" group... they might let you know. There's a price to pay for the "show." Tithe on your phone. Swipe right for a donation, swipe left for church... Tinder. Just don't say it out loud — wink, wink. And the sermon series? Song of Solomon. Really? Of all 66 books — and should we even go there? Did somebody forget something? A book or two? I wonder why. Out of what was left, somebody at corporate picked that one. Of course they did. Be part of the community! Yay! Let's virtue signal too! Look at you! Look at the pastor — he's so... something in those skinny jeans. Oh don't forget your proper pronouns, and look at everything through whichever filter keeps the lemonade tasting sweet, whichever flag is flying this week, whichever cause is trending this week, whichever filter the pastor pre-installed.
"My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons. For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment; and ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?"
— James 2:1-4 (KJV)
"And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints, To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him."
— Jude 1:14-15 (KJV)
Jude — canonical — quoting Enoch — left out. The book the editors removed survived inside the book they kept.
"And behold! He cometh with ten thousands of His holy ones, to execute judgement upon all, and to destroy all the ungodly: and to convict all flesh of all the works of their ungodliness which they have ungodly committed, and of all the hard things which ungodly sinners have spoken against Him."
— 1 Enoch 1:9 (R.H. Charles translation, 1917)
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
As a fellow conflict-hater and over-apologizer, it has honestly never occurred to me that by apologizing and taking on blame that is not mine to take I might be worsening someone else's weakness rather than simply avoiding the conflict. Thank you for this. It truly is helpful.
Mary, thank you for your honesty and this important conversation. I’ve been an over apologizer too. I wondered if there is a certain personality trait that falls into this. Here’s what I found, and I think it’s worth considering:
* People-Pleasers: we have a strong need to be liked and to maintain harmony, so we may apologize to ensure validation and avoid rejection.
* Perfectionists: we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards and often apologize for minor, insignificant errors or perceived failures.
* Anxious Personalities: Apologizing serves as a temporary relief safety behavior to manage anxiety and minimize the risk of being seen as an inconvenience or a burden.
* Past Trauma: A history of trauma or being raised in a volatile, controlling environment (where we were blamed for others' moods) can lead to using apologies as a way to avoid conflict or abuse.
* Low Self-Esteem: A feeling of inadequacy can lead to apologizing for simply having needs or taking up space.
I imagine many of us can relate to one or more of these. Praying for healing for the body of Christ. Much love.
Another scripture I would add is Matthew 18: 15-16, because we each see things through the lens of our personal history / experiences. I have 2 friends, one is a very straightforward straight talker, the other is very sensitive. The sensitive person is often offended by the forthrightness of the straight talker even when I think no offense was meant. Sometimes a 'neutral' POV is needed.
I think this is a problem personally. Matthew 18 specifically says when someone SINS against you. When you 'feel' something because of the way someone spoke something, what is the Sin? The person that spoke didn't actually do any harm other than what was perceived, developed, and then concocted in the other person's mind and heart.
Yes, a conversation perhaps should happen. But one of curiosity and exploration, not of confrontation. We have a confrontation adverse attitude on so many things (I will respond in a moment) and yet we are very confrontational about our feelings, when there is actually no Sin to address.
Try curiosity and allow your own mind and attitudes to be made new/renewed. "when you said this, what did you mean?", "what was your intent?"...be ready to put away your own attitudes towards your brother or sister that had no basis. That often stem from your own inner thoughts from trauma, doubt, fears, etc. Carefully allow your brother and sister then to , instead of shame and guilt over a personality trait, learn ways to perhaps understand ways to present themselves better.
As a high functioning autistic and military person, being a straightforward speaker is easily my default. I have been challenged a lot in this arena. But to know me, and to say I am not sensitive nor caring would be ridiculous. I started asking, with sincere curiosity, what exactly I said that was wrong. And how to say it differently. The more I pressed, the more people had to start admitting that it wasn't really me. They just didn't like the words and that I didn't find a way to say it without saying it. I told them plainly, and often Jesus did the same. And they knew me to be a caring person, so it wasn't that they didn't know this.
I believe wholeheartedly we need to work on this a great deal. How we feel about what was said is not grounds to confront the speaker. Have a conversation possibly. But we need to examine our own hearts very, very thoroughly. If there is no sin, then it is simply a conversation about improving the relationship. A mutual conversation in which both parties are learning and growing. And maybe you do need that neutral POV to help them. It just kind of 'irks' me when I hear Matt 18 being used in this manner
I really didn't mean to irk you. I think because we all have unique perspectives based on how our brains have been shaped and wired, we often assume mal-intent when there is none. We can do well to examine our own hearts, I agree 100%, but sometimes our vision isn't that clear. I have had a friend give me the cold shoulder for something I was unable to help her with. She felt justified in her attitude and I felt justified in mine. After we spoke I could sense some of the coldness remaining. A 3rd party may have been very beneficial. Matthew 18 is the perfect scriptural solution, because when we are aggrieved by someone, we believed that person has wronged us, in other words, has sinned against us, they may not have, but that's our perspective. My sensitive friend is often offended by things I don't find offensive, but her lens is tainted by her upbringing, as is mine. 3rd parties can be so useful in times like these.
I hear you. I have a very common sense attitude towards almost all things and I see our Christian relationships through a relational/intimate lens straight out of the whole of 1 cor 13 (not select verses) versus how many treat relationships, transactionally, by performance and in that, if you treat me bad, I then get to treat you in some way. This does not reflect God and is not Love in any way. Love is defined by God. Our definitions and applications are embarrassing. So yes, I would naturally reach out to such a person, and ask if a third person would help. I have a great deal of training on our sub-conscious thinking and how it steers us so I am quite aware. There is so much we can do to get ahead of this if people are willing, and that is how scripture can help us, if we are willing to apply it appropriately. But it starts with seeing things properly by viewing all relationships through a love prism, and in that, we ask "how can I Know this person more"
Too many people only see others through their own lens, and then judge them. This is a narrow lens and has nothing to do with Love when you really think about it. We are so desperately needing to re-define Love in our own lives to match His definition, His examples, His embodiment. Then we wouldn't get into petty arguments with each other.
I really am speaking from much experience but I'm old now lol. I come from a very traumatic background with much abuse. My story often scares people lol. But God has transformed me several times over and I use it now to teach others
So good, Mary. I struggle with knowing when to speak up. I've heard it said to
pick your battles. But the ultimate is to be guided by the Holy Spirit while not being numbed/unaware of when we need a check. "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" can be helpful.
This is so relatable.
I’ve been the over-apologizer too… just trying to keep the peace, even at my own expense. What you said about speaking the truth with love instead of defaulting to apology—that feels like real growth.
I’m learning that acknowledging someone’s feelings doesn’t always mean I’ve done something wrong. Sometimes love is honesty, not just harmony.
So well said!
What I have seen in our modern cultures is a huge over correction of conflict avoiders. People who will do anything to not let drama overshadow things. So they will apologize for anything, they will appease the group, they will overlook small slights. They let things go and hope that it doesn't get worse. Just go along to get along. They don't notice much how much all the little things keep adding up along the way until one day the wonder how the 'line' ended up way back there and we are here now.
I understand most don't know how to do conflict. And they shouldn't. Only certain people are equipped for the real conflict. But everyone should learn how to be assertive. To speak clearly of what they want, what they need, what is ok and not ok. To know their limits, their boundaries, and to communicate them. WITHOUT apology.
And if anyone jumps in to bully a person that does this, ALL of us need to stand up in unison against such a person. Why this is not our culture is often confusing to a person like me. I have been that person most of my life. I have taken a beating literally and figuratively for it. My promotion up through the military was very slow but unyielding because I would not play by the rules and I would call out the things that were not right. I did NOT keep the peace lol. Towards the end of my career, I had senior officers relieved of command. I brought complaints to the Inspector General of the Dept of Defense and had a high-ranking person brought to justice.
In the same way, the church didn't always embrace me because I didn't just go along to get along. If I saw something that wasn't right, I spoke about it. Yet I still grew and even helped lead the church for a spell. But amongst those with influence, I was not necessarily 'popular'. So that came to close and I decided it was time to leave.
People from there still hold me in high regard because of this. Because I was always willing to fight the fights that needed to be fought. It has taken a serious toll on me, I won't lie to any of you. My body is very broken. My faith has been destroyed multiple times and He needed to restore it. Yet each time He did, it has been made newer and even stronger than before. I Love even deeper than I could ever have thought possible.
Keep the peace? Sure, but at what cost, REALLY? Think about what peace are you really keeping. What are you giving up by letting things go instead of addressing the things that need to be addressed, dealt with, faced? Weeds grow and expand until they take over the whole garden. Destroy the whole harvest. If you think I am talking about the whole church, then yeah, a bit, but I am also talking about yourself.
My wife can speak to this. She watched all this from the sidelines. She is the peacekeeper, the conflict avoider, the over apologizer. Or was. Not anymore. She is so strong now, a new person that sees God in ways that she never did before. Has to constantly remember grace over the regrets for being that person at one time. I don't know what else to tell you folks. That's our story and I hope it can be yours
That second to last paragraph? GOLD.
Dear Substack readers,
I'm sorry for my rant. I have drunk too much... coffee. And read too many things here.
Sounds like many "churches" near me, lol. Minnesota nice at its finest, doncha know? Ruffle the feathers of the church ladies and suddenly nobody knows how they're supposed to serve the processed sugary lemonade to little kids anymore. Nom nom nom. That would require some thought — hard to do through the smoke and music. Can't wait to smell whatever the youth group is... enjoying... in the parking lot. But the seats must be filled, right? This hour a week is important for salvation. What's a few million for a building — just a deal with business associates. And if you're not part of their little "fun" group... they might let you know. There's a price to pay for the "show." Tithe on your phone. Swipe right for a donation, swipe left for church... Tinder. Just don't say it out loud — wink, wink. And the sermon series? Song of Solomon. Really? Of all 66 books — and should we even go there? Did somebody forget something? A book or two? I wonder why. Out of what was left, somebody at corporate picked that one. Of course they did. Be part of the community! Yay! Let's virtue signal too! Look at you! Look at the pastor — he's so... something in those skinny jeans. Oh don't forget your proper pronouns, and look at everything through whichever filter keeps the lemonade tasting sweet, whichever flag is flying this week, whichever cause is trending this week, whichever filter the pastor pre-installed.
"My brethren, have not the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory, with respect of persons. For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment; and ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: Are ye not then partial in yourselves, and are become judges of evil thoughts?"
— James 2:1-4 (KJV)
"And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints, To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him."
— Jude 1:14-15 (KJV)
Jude — canonical — quoting Enoch — left out. The book the editors removed survived inside the book they kept.
"And behold! He cometh with ten thousands of His holy ones, to execute judgement upon all, and to destroy all the ungodly: and to convict all flesh of all the works of their ungodliness which they have ungodly committed, and of all the hard things which ungodly sinners have spoken against Him."
— 1 Enoch 1:9 (R.H. Charles translation, 1917)
"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
— Matthew 18:20 (KJV)
As a fellow conflict-hater and over-apologizer, it has honestly never occurred to me that by apologizing and taking on blame that is not mine to take I might be worsening someone else's weakness rather than simply avoiding the conflict. Thank you for this. It truly is helpful.
I'm so grateful it's helpful!
Mary, thank you for your honesty and this important conversation. I’ve been an over apologizer too. I wondered if there is a certain personality trait that falls into this. Here’s what I found, and I think it’s worth considering:
* People-Pleasers: we have a strong need to be liked and to maintain harmony, so we may apologize to ensure validation and avoid rejection.
* Perfectionists: we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards and often apologize for minor, insignificant errors or perceived failures.
* Anxious Personalities: Apologizing serves as a temporary relief safety behavior to manage anxiety and minimize the risk of being seen as an inconvenience or a burden.
* Past Trauma: A history of trauma or being raised in a volatile, controlling environment (where we were blamed for others' moods) can lead to using apologies as a way to avoid conflict or abuse.
* Low Self-Esteem: A feeling of inadequacy can lead to apologizing for simply having needs or taking up space.
I imagine many of us can relate to one or more of these. Praying for healing for the body of Christ. Much love.
This could be a post in itself. So insightful, Dana.
Another scripture I would add is Matthew 18: 15-16, because we each see things through the lens of our personal history / experiences. I have 2 friends, one is a very straightforward straight talker, the other is very sensitive. The sensitive person is often offended by the forthrightness of the straight talker even when I think no offense was meant. Sometimes a 'neutral' POV is needed.
I think this is a problem personally. Matthew 18 specifically says when someone SINS against you. When you 'feel' something because of the way someone spoke something, what is the Sin? The person that spoke didn't actually do any harm other than what was perceived, developed, and then concocted in the other person's mind and heart.
Yes, a conversation perhaps should happen. But one of curiosity and exploration, not of confrontation. We have a confrontation adverse attitude on so many things (I will respond in a moment) and yet we are very confrontational about our feelings, when there is actually no Sin to address.
Try curiosity and allow your own mind and attitudes to be made new/renewed. "when you said this, what did you mean?", "what was your intent?"...be ready to put away your own attitudes towards your brother or sister that had no basis. That often stem from your own inner thoughts from trauma, doubt, fears, etc. Carefully allow your brother and sister then to , instead of shame and guilt over a personality trait, learn ways to perhaps understand ways to present themselves better.
As a high functioning autistic and military person, being a straightforward speaker is easily my default. I have been challenged a lot in this arena. But to know me, and to say I am not sensitive nor caring would be ridiculous. I started asking, with sincere curiosity, what exactly I said that was wrong. And how to say it differently. The more I pressed, the more people had to start admitting that it wasn't really me. They just didn't like the words and that I didn't find a way to say it without saying it. I told them plainly, and often Jesus did the same. And they knew me to be a caring person, so it wasn't that they didn't know this.
I believe wholeheartedly we need to work on this a great deal. How we feel about what was said is not grounds to confront the speaker. Have a conversation possibly. But we need to examine our own hearts very, very thoroughly. If there is no sin, then it is simply a conversation about improving the relationship. A mutual conversation in which both parties are learning and growing. And maybe you do need that neutral POV to help them. It just kind of 'irks' me when I hear Matt 18 being used in this manner
I really didn't mean to irk you. I think because we all have unique perspectives based on how our brains have been shaped and wired, we often assume mal-intent when there is none. We can do well to examine our own hearts, I agree 100%, but sometimes our vision isn't that clear. I have had a friend give me the cold shoulder for something I was unable to help her with. She felt justified in her attitude and I felt justified in mine. After we spoke I could sense some of the coldness remaining. A 3rd party may have been very beneficial. Matthew 18 is the perfect scriptural solution, because when we are aggrieved by someone, we believed that person has wronged us, in other words, has sinned against us, they may not have, but that's our perspective. My sensitive friend is often offended by things I don't find offensive, but her lens is tainted by her upbringing, as is mine. 3rd parties can be so useful in times like these.
I agree. Sometimes we can't see what's going on and need a neutral party to help us navigate relational mess.
I hear you. I have a very common sense attitude towards almost all things and I see our Christian relationships through a relational/intimate lens straight out of the whole of 1 cor 13 (not select verses) versus how many treat relationships, transactionally, by performance and in that, if you treat me bad, I then get to treat you in some way. This does not reflect God and is not Love in any way. Love is defined by God. Our definitions and applications are embarrassing. So yes, I would naturally reach out to such a person, and ask if a third person would help. I have a great deal of training on our sub-conscious thinking and how it steers us so I am quite aware. There is so much we can do to get ahead of this if people are willing, and that is how scripture can help us, if we are willing to apply it appropriately. But it starts with seeing things properly by viewing all relationships through a love prism, and in that, we ask "how can I Know this person more"
Too many people only see others through their own lens, and then judge them. This is a narrow lens and has nothing to do with Love when you really think about it. We are so desperately needing to re-define Love in our own lives to match His definition, His examples, His embodiment. Then we wouldn't get into petty arguments with each other.
I really am speaking from much experience but I'm old now lol. I come from a very traumatic background with much abuse. My story often scares people lol. But God has transformed me several times over and I use it now to teach others
I like the idea of improving relationship as the goal.
Oh that's a really good point.
So good, Mary. I struggle with knowing when to speak up. I've heard it said to
pick your battles. But the ultimate is to be guided by the Holy Spirit while not being numbed/unaware of when we need a check. "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" can be helpful.
Yes, so true.