It's so similar to domestic violence abusers. They often have fake repentance and even bring flowers to make up, saying they are sorry for their actions and promise they'll never do it again. I think maybe they do have a hint of remorse in there somewhere but the cycle is too great for them to overcome if they don't have true repentance and restorative therapy. They are willing to show fake repentance because that is what gains them access to abuse again. (And with narcissists, who knows if there is even a HINT of remorse—they have such a hard time thinking of anyone but themselves.)
Agree wholeheartedly. This is true of leader in churches and leaders of HOMES and marriages. The pattern is the same. It's so infuriating and people can't just use spiritual bypass to avoid the heavy lifting that comes with true repentence and making amends for the harm caused. Beyond that, it takes longer than a few weeks or months to prove your actions align with your words. I learned a long time ago that time+consistency is what builds trust. Not words of repentence.
Mary this is so good. Your point about running away from the limelight is so key, and often very telling. Unfortunately narcissists are often the ones that end up on the stages. I'm really concerned at what we've been seeing, with individuals and institutions protecting reputation/brand while the sheep are the ones to suffer.
There is a male counterpart to the Biblical female Jezebel. Of the 4 vectors of harm, manipulation and control, domination and intimidation He majors on the last 2. Men who are trapped in this principality demonstrate utter contempt for those in authority preferring themselves. Female Jezebels are very subtle. But the men are very conversant with Scripture and use it as a hammer.
I agree so strongly with your point that healing and reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. A month of counseling is great—as a very first step. It’s not a quick checkbox and “ok now I can go back to everything I was doing before” after egregious abuse and harm has been done.
That's a great piece! I like your definition of repentance as a continuous lifestyle, rather than waiting for it when one is caught. Though I struggle with your phrase "we are all sinners." Do believers derive their position in Christ or in their condition at a time? Don't get me wrong, believers do sin, but not as a lifestyle. Their sin moment does not erase their position in Christ, therefore redefines them. Believers are called saints (hagios), though they occasionally stumble. Would you agree that the blanket statement "we are all sinners" is the primary catalyst for the abuse and misconduct committed by so-called men of God?
I recently responded to someone else's substack on a very similar topic. What I see here, starts with a foundational issue that I have with much of modern western Christianity. It is based on a Performance Model. So when such a person is caught up, and the bricks all start to fall to the point they can no longer stack them back up fast enough, they have to address the wall. Or plug the hole in the dam, or whatever analogy works for you.
So they do this. They fix the outside. And then everyone is supposed to believe all is better now. It like applying a very thick layer a paint to a dilapidated house and ignoring the structural rot. Because as a veteran of both leading and a member of recovery and purity ministries, the underlying problems, are extensive. The primary one, the biggest sin, is Deceit. You cannot conduct yourself in these manners without practicing a gross amount of deceit. Lying to others, living a double life, lying to yourself! Trying to pretend that God himself doesn't see you??? You clearly have no connection with the Spirit in these moments, have somehow stilled the voice, or learned to not listen to it.
You cannot just snap back into place from this. It takes time to recover from this condition. You can clean up the outside easily because you are USED to faking it, you are used to putting on a show. But learning to be truly authentic? You haven't been this way in some time now and are actually afraid of doing so. No one in this position should be allowed to 'back' until they have had time to completely transform their inner lives in a very discernable way. And trust me from experience. When a person learns to change this way, from the inside, it is obvious to all.
Thank you for writing this. It’s painful, but it’s real.
What struck me most is how familiar this pattern is—not just something from the past or isolated situations, but something many of us are still experiencing in real time.
The part about protecting the institution, silencing dissent, and then watching a quick return to influence… that lands hard.
I’ve experienced this recently, and I’m still walking through it.
Why are small infractions met with immediate consequences, yet patterns of harm are given pathways back to power?
Jesus never minimized harm or rushed restoration—especially when people were being hurt.
There are many people quietly carrying the weight of this. It’s not rare. And it’s not over.
Mary, I’m mad with you. It’s one thing if the perpetrator exhibits [false] repentance (which cannot be determined without several months/years of humble submission, spiritual council, etc.), but it’s a whole other problem that there are those who want to quickly restore.
Why?
Grace?
Um, I’m not buying that one.
I’m thinking “cult of personality” delusion. Manipulation is witchcraft.
Spiritual abuse is under greater judgement than any other abuse.
One point of clarification: when called to account Driscoll did not submit to the findings/discipline of his elders. He simply quit his job, packed up and moved, laid low for a few months, then started over (with the same MO) in a new city.
It's so similar to domestic violence abusers. They often have fake repentance and even bring flowers to make up, saying they are sorry for their actions and promise they'll never do it again. I think maybe they do have a hint of remorse in there somewhere but the cycle is too great for them to overcome if they don't have true repentance and restorative therapy. They are willing to show fake repentance because that is what gains them access to abuse again. (And with narcissists, who knows if there is even a HINT of remorse—they have such a hard time thinking of anyone but themselves.)
This is gold. I so agree!
Agree wholeheartedly. This is true of leader in churches and leaders of HOMES and marriages. The pattern is the same. It's so infuriating and people can't just use spiritual bypass to avoid the heavy lifting that comes with true repentence and making amends for the harm caused. Beyond that, it takes longer than a few weeks or months to prove your actions align with your words. I learned a long time ago that time+consistency is what builds trust. Not words of repentence.
Yes well said
Mary this is so good. Your point about running away from the limelight is so key, and often very telling. Unfortunately narcissists are often the ones that end up on the stages. I'm really concerned at what we've been seeing, with individuals and institutions protecting reputation/brand while the sheep are the ones to suffer.
Yes it’s their drug.
There is a male counterpart to the Biblical female Jezebel. Of the 4 vectors of harm, manipulation and control, domination and intimidation He majors on the last 2. Men who are trapped in this principality demonstrate utter contempt for those in authority preferring themselves. Female Jezebels are very subtle. But the men are very conversant with Scripture and use it as a hammer.
I agree so strongly with your point that healing and reconciliation doesn’t happen overnight. A month of counseling is great—as a very first step. It’s not a quick checkbox and “ok now I can go back to everything I was doing before” after egregious abuse and harm has been done.
Agree
That's a great piece! I like your definition of repentance as a continuous lifestyle, rather than waiting for it when one is caught. Though I struggle with your phrase "we are all sinners." Do believers derive their position in Christ or in their condition at a time? Don't get me wrong, believers do sin, but not as a lifestyle. Their sin moment does not erase their position in Christ, therefore redefines them. Believers are called saints (hagios), though they occasionally stumble. Would you agree that the blanket statement "we are all sinners" is the primary catalyst for the abuse and misconduct committed by so-called men of God?
I don’t think that’s why these things happen (all sinners). It seems more that leaders aren’t growing in or pursue Christ.
I recently responded to someone else's substack on a very similar topic. What I see here, starts with a foundational issue that I have with much of modern western Christianity. It is based on a Performance Model. So when such a person is caught up, and the bricks all start to fall to the point they can no longer stack them back up fast enough, they have to address the wall. Or plug the hole in the dam, or whatever analogy works for you.
So they do this. They fix the outside. And then everyone is supposed to believe all is better now. It like applying a very thick layer a paint to a dilapidated house and ignoring the structural rot. Because as a veteran of both leading and a member of recovery and purity ministries, the underlying problems, are extensive. The primary one, the biggest sin, is Deceit. You cannot conduct yourself in these manners without practicing a gross amount of deceit. Lying to others, living a double life, lying to yourself! Trying to pretend that God himself doesn't see you??? You clearly have no connection with the Spirit in these moments, have somehow stilled the voice, or learned to not listen to it.
You cannot just snap back into place from this. It takes time to recover from this condition. You can clean up the outside easily because you are USED to faking it, you are used to putting on a show. But learning to be truly authentic? You haven't been this way in some time now and are actually afraid of doing so. No one in this position should be allowed to 'back' until they have had time to completely transform their inner lives in a very discernable way. And trust me from experience. When a person learns to change this way, from the inside, it is obvious to all.
This is so wise and true.
Thank you for writing this. It’s painful, but it’s real.
What struck me most is how familiar this pattern is—not just something from the past or isolated situations, but something many of us are still experiencing in real time.
The part about protecting the institution, silencing dissent, and then watching a quick return to influence… that lands hard.
I’ve experienced this recently, and I’m still walking through it.
Why are small infractions met with immediate consequences, yet patterns of harm are given pathways back to power?
Jesus never minimized harm or rushed restoration—especially when people were being hurt.
There are many people quietly carrying the weight of this. It’s not rare. And it’s not over.
You’re right. It’s not rare.
Mary, I’m mad with you. It’s one thing if the perpetrator exhibits [false] repentance (which cannot be determined without several months/years of humble submission, spiritual council, etc.), but it’s a whole other problem that there are those who want to quickly restore.
Why?
Grace?
Um, I’m not buying that one.
I’m thinking “cult of personality” delusion. Manipulation is witchcraft.
Spiritual abuse is under greater judgement than any other abuse.
May our blind brethren wake up and fear the Lord!
Bonhoeffer called it cheap grace.
Right on, Mary. And so it is.
One point of clarification: when called to account Driscoll did not submit to the findings/discipline of his elders. He simply quit his job, packed up and moved, laid low for a few months, then started over (with the same MO) in a new city.
True